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Five Steps to End (Self)-Abuse

Special appreciation goes out to Eric William Sigmund, M.A., C.M. for allowing me to use his material. Eric is a world renowned Transactional Analysis Therapist and this is my summary of his copyrighted material.

This is step five of the Five Steps to Problem Resolution. (See five steps to problem resolution article.) Eric talks about the fact that most of us are bright, intelligent, loving human beings. He explains that the only reason why we abuse others is because we have been abusing ourselves first.

In other words, if you are already charged, because you have been telling yourself scary, negative thoughts, which he calls negative inner dialogue, then the odds of you getting upset and acting out towards another go up dramatically. (Review five steps to problem resolution and "tips" at the end of the article for more data.)

As an example: you get to work and there are not very many patients on the books. You begin the inner dialogue of "there are not enough patients; what am I doing wrong; what if chiropractic really doesn't work; what if chiropractic works, but it's just me; what if all of my patients just quit today; what if they do and I can't pay my bills...?"

I think you get the picture; it's like a run away train. Now that you have successfully got yourself fully charged, anxious and angry, a patient walks in and starts to whine or your spouse calls and starts to complain about something and wham; you just let them have it!

The point is if at any time you notice you give someone 20 pounds of response for one pound of cause; you can rest assured that you allowed yourself to get fully charged with negative inner dialogue.

Most of us don't even realize that we have these thoughts running through our head all day. Eric discusses the importance of us recognizing these thoughts early in the game, and then doing something about them.

There are many practices of mindfulness, meditations, prayer etc., which people have done throughout the ages to keep themselves from allowing the build up of negative inner dialogue. One practice I have had a lot of success with is Eric Sigmund's 10 minute practice. (See 10 minute practice in articles.) Once you have done the 10 minute practice for some time you will start to recognize the discomfort of your negative thoughts much earlier in the game. As soon as you begin to recognize this discomfort earlier you can begin to actually stop the run away train and choose a different response than the one you are guaranteed if you continue down the same track you have gone down time and time again.

In other words if you pull out of your driveway and turn right and run right into a cul-de-sac, and then the next day you do the same thing, and of course you run into the cul-de-sac, odds are that is going to continue to happen. The only logical solution is not to turn right out of your driveway any longer.

Of course you laugh and say you would never do that, but, if you think of the arguments you have with your spouse, staff, etc., you will realize that you go down the same road and run into the same cul-de-sac every time.

These five steps to end (self)-abuse is a way to turn some other way than right into the cul-de-sac, or the proverbial brick wall.

These five steps to end self-abuse is one of the most powerful tools I have run across to stop the run away train of our mind and get back in control of our life.

1. Notice the discomfort. At the beginning this may be when you are full blown angry and find yourself wanting to choke someone. After practicing the 10 minute practice for awhile you will begin to notice the discomfort earlier i.e. your breathing will shut down and your heart rate might increase as you begin too feel yucky because of the negativistic inner dialogue.

2. Reverse the negative dialogue. Do the 10-minute practice for a moment in your head. Simply reverse the negative dialogue in your head.

3. Breathe/relax. It is difficult to keep the negative thoughts and remain angry when we breathe, relax and move into the "receiving mode." Try looking up and putting your spine slightly into extension with your palms up. Notice how difficult it is to keep your focus on negative thoughts.

4. Develop an awareness of the consequences "when I change the pattern, I change the results." Actually say this to yourself and recognize that if you do the same thing you have always done you will get the same result/response. So if you want a different result/response, i.e. you don't want to have this turn into a fight like it always does...do something different!

5. Act in a positive manner. That's right; ACT in a positive manner. This doesn't mean wait for a sign from God that you are now enlightened and know exactly how to be the perfect guru in this particular situation. It simply means recognize that you are going to change the pattern this time. Try something new, jump up and down, let the other person know that you are not centered right now and need a 10 minute break, and request that both of you to do a 10 minute practice so that you can both re-center yourselves and come back to this situation with a different perspective. Ask, "What can I do to help", but do something different, you will get a different response. It may or may not be the one you are looking for, but at least it won't be the same old response that we know simply doesn't work. If you don't like this response, ACT in a different positive manner.

Be responsible for what you think and you will be amazed at what you will attract.

Russ Rosen, D.C. - Mar 19, 2003