Five Steps to Problem Resolution

Special appreciation goes out to Eric William Sigmund, M.A., C.M. for allowing me to use his material. Eric is a world renowned Transactional Analysis Therapist and this is my summary of his copyrighted material.

5-STEP PROBLEM RESOLUTION (in relationships that have been defined as “difficult”)

  1. 4-life positions:

    1. I’m o.k.; you’re o.k. (healthy)

    2. I’m not o.k.; you’re not o.k. (futile)

    3. I’m o.k.; you’re not o.k. (projective)

    4. I’m not O.K.; you’re o.k. (introjective)

    2-3 guarantee problems!!! Take responsibility to come from #1 …if you’re not in #1 YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM

  2. The drama triangle:

    1. Persecutor

    2. Victim

    3. Rescuer, (feeling thinking or doing for another when you should be doing for self and looking at self)

    We can play/say all three roles in one sentence. There can be no resolution when we assume one of these roles, therefore we must drop these roles and we must think and act for ourselves.

  3. Behaviors that do not succeed in communication/problem resolution:

    1. Criticizing

    2. Judging

    3. Blaming

    4. Shame

    5. Guilt

    6. Controlling

    7. Competition

    8. Lying

  4. Behaviors that do succeed in communication/problem resolution:

    1. Compassion- stop believing that you are supposed to persecute, victimize or rescue anyone.

    2. Empathy- know what they are saying, but do not feel what they are feeling. Simply understand it.

    3. Understanding- this is extremely powerful. Your job is to understand her/him. They already feel unsafe. We don’t batter them and make it worse. We use the golden rule and treat them as we would want to be treated.

    4. Forgiveness- for our self and for the other person.

    5. Love-the previous four add up to love, we can tell if it is loving because the situation de-escalates.

    6. Co-operation

    7. Truth

    8. Self-directed consciousness

  5. 5 Step problem resolution

    1. 10 minute practice (see 10 minute practice)

    2. 4-problem resolution steps

      1. Define the problem- From your perspective. You cannot say that the other person is the problem. This can be a bit tricky and I will be happy to work with you on this.

      2. Define the significance of the problem. In other words what is the significance of the problem to you, how does it affect you?

      3. Define the solvability of the problem- This is how I can solve the problem, not if the other person would just do xyz there would be no problem.

      4. Application of the self to the solvability- Not “I will do this if he does that”, but “what will I do regardless of the other person to solve this problem.”

    3. Use of Fantasy and intuition

    4. Non threatening presentation

    5. 5-steps to end abuse

      1. Notice the discomfort. At the beginning this may be when you are full blown angry and find yourself wanting to choke someone. After practicing the 10 minute practice for awhile you will begin to notice the discomfort earlier i.e. your breathing will shut down and your heart rate might increase as you begin too feel yucky because of the negativistic inner dialogue.

      2. Reverse the negative dialogue. Do the 10-minute practice for a moment in your head. Simply reverse the negative dialogue in your head.

      3. Breathe/relax. It is difficult to keep the negative thoughts and remain angry when we breathe, relax and move into the “receiving mode.” Try looking up and putting your spine slightly into extension with your palms up. Notice how difficult it is to keep your focus on negative thoughts.

      4. Develop an awareness of the consequences “when I change the pattern, I change the results.” Actually say this to yourself and recognize that if you do the same thing you have always done you will get the same result/response. So if you want a different result/response, i.e. you don’t want to have this turn into a fight like it always does…do something different!

      5. Act in a positive manner. That’s right; ACT in a positive manner. This doesn’t mean wait for a sign from God that you are now enlightened and know exactly how to be the perfect guru in this particular situation. It simply means recognize that you are going to change the pattern this time. Try something new, jump up and down, let the other know that you are not centered right now and need a 10 minute break, and request that both of you to do a 10 minute practice so that you can both re-center yourselves and come back to this situation with a different perspective. Ask, “What can I do to help”, but do something different, you will get a different response. It may or may not be the one you are looking for, but at least it won’t be the same old response that we know simply doesn’t work. If you don’t like this response, ACT in a different positive manner.

TIPS ON RESOLVING PROBLEMS:

  1. Only begin this problem solving when the timing is right. Do not try to have a discussion with someone who is intoxicated, hypoglycemic, angry etc.

  2. Bring the best of you to the discussion and sincerely request that the other person does also.

  3. Commit to staying centered and do not allow yourself to go into the persecutor, victim or rescuer role, no matter what the other person does…do not become part of the problem.

  4. Remain conscious and let go of the past by not repeating the negativistic dialogue in your head.

  5. Repeating negativistic dialogue in our head is self- abuse, and we cannot continue abusing ourselves without eventually abusing others.

  6. Quit scaring yourself with these negative thoughts. All of the what if’s are literally scaring the inner child. After the 4th scary thought your blood chemistry has changed enough with adrenaline, nor epinephrine etc. that you are gone! This is a developmentally four year old “magic” belief: “If I keep saying the bad thing to myself, I am in control of it.” When, in fact, replicating the scary thought actually sets the person up by distracting them from productive problem identification, significance, solvability and application.

  7. Recognize that you are a bright individual and that you heard the scary thought the first time. You really don’t need to repeat it again, i.e. “I’m going to loose the house, the I.R.S. is going to audit me…” How many negative scary thoughts do you have a day compared to how many of these things actually come true? Once you’ve told yourself the scary thought you don’t need to dwell on it by saying it over and over, you got it the first time and it is self abusive to keep on repeating it! There are thousands of other possibilities of what might happen in any given situation, start focusing on some of the ones that might feel better and actually benefit you.

  8. Remember that all of this scary stuff gets acted out in your primary relationships. So start nurturing yourself and stop scaring yourself. You and only you have control of what you allow yourself to think.

  9. By doing the 5-steps to end abuse and acting in the above described manner and not become part of the problem you will find that the if the other person continues to act out vs. being centered they will quickly realize that it is them, that they are the problem and they will stop the process.

  10. If both of you are acting in the above manner you will find that there are really very few real problems and when you do find a real problem you simply need to sit down and apply the 4- problem resolution steps and you will have a very good chance of resolving the problem.

Russ Rosen, D.C. – Mar 10, 2003

Comments are closed.